Thursday, August 19, 2010
Link Thursday: What Makes Men Fall In Love
As I was browsing this, it surprised me that some of these things we romance authors already know. Like let the guy be the Alpha, take control, feel he's protecting his girl, etc. Isn't that what our big, bad, alpha heroes with healing hearts are all about?
The Desire for Comfort bit - how many times do we write a scene with the hero watching the heroine do something mundane as brushing her hair and he realizes he loves her?
Still, there are some nice glimpses as to what not to do (personally), and what to make/not to make your heroine do to keep/lose a man.
Read on for some insight!
The article (no apparent author) appeared on the MSN Love & Relationships page (by now you know that's a fave haunt of mine!) around March 30, 2010.
What Makes Men Fall in Love
There's into you, and then there's head-over-heels gaga. These are some of the little things that tip a man over that edge.
It's a baffling question: Is there some specific moment or event that makes a guy suddenly decide "Yes, I think I love her"? Well, the answer isn't clear-cut, but there are some general principles. "Men have certain innate needs that must be met before they truly feel connected to you," says Paul Dobransky, M.D., author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love. "When a guy realizes, consciously or not, that you're ideal on all these levels, that's when he'll commit."
Boiled down, guys have four primal relationship desires that are sometimes sated by the tiniest of moves by you. Here, experts explain with examples so you can put these insights to use when your guy is at the brink.
1. The Desire to Protect
Believe it or not, the so-called stoic sex is hardwired to nurture. Sheltering you from harm makes him feel studly, which makes him feel good. "Not that you should act helpless, but letting him see your vulnerable side will bring him closer because it unlocks his instincts to take care of you," says David Givens, Ph.D., author of Love Signals. So give him chances to take charge, and thank him after he does. When a guy associates you with feeling like Superman, of course he'll want to couple up. These little things can draw out his hero side.
Give him a job. Ask him to fix or build you something. Performing concrete tasks is a way of bonding that enhances his sense of success.
Ask his opinion. Whether it's about your 401(k) options or the best travel sites, it telegraphs that you value his brain as much as you do his brawn.
Wear soft materials. Delicate textures like rayon, silk, and fur trigger an intense response in men. These fabrics accentuate your softer, feminine nature, which heightens his amorous instincts.
Don his clothes. It shows that you've chosen him over other guys — sexy.
2. The Desire for Freedom
Even emotionally healthy men want assurance that their identities will stay put after they've become half a happy couple. "By making it clear that you don't expect your guy to change, he'll feel like you truly understand him but don't threaten his sense of self," says Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., author of Secrets You Keep from Yourself. "That leaves him feeling on sturdy enough ground to commit." The following moves let him know you're no ball and chain.
Blow him off. Men hate the idea of being tied down socially, so turn down occasional plans. He'll not only feel easier — and open up more — around you, but he'll also start to wonder what you're doing and pursue you more.
Share your own fears. Guys often hold back because they think most chicks are baby-hungry ring-hunters. So if you feel nervous about committing, let him know. He'll be reassured that you're navigating new waters too, not trying to trap him.
Reinvent yourself. Little changes in your appearance now and then — say, hair up in a ponytail one day, down the next, etc. — remind him that you've got zillions of facets to your personality too. Read: no rut risks.
Respect his privacy. A physical space that's totally his is a huge symbol of independence to a man. Signal that you respect that by, say, staying out of desk drawers and not peeking at his caller ID when his phone rings.
3. The Desire to Shine
Maybe he's cocky, but he's still insecure. Trust us, guys need to know that they're respected and appreciated. "When being around you increases a guy's esteem, both internally and in the eyes of others, he'll naturally want to be attached to you," says Dr. Dobransky. Here, things that show your high value and nudge him toward love.
Make him happier. Laugh when one of you loses balance in the bedroom. Go to stupid movies. Drag him out when he's crabby. If you can keep things light, even during stressful times, you'll become indispensable.
Be a social butterfly. Guys are good at left-brain stuff, like sales and sports, but can get awkward when it comes to social graces. Take the lead and charm the people you meet and he'll be extra grateful to have you. But he may take credit for making those new friends ... whatever.
Play mind games. Activities that require mental prowess — like Scrabble, puzzles, and chess — can prod his passion. It sounds nuts, but proof of your problem-solving abilities subconsciously shows him you're a desirable choice for carrying on his genes.
Act like the grand prize. Seeing you through other people's eyes reminds him how special you are. Invite him to an event where you'll excel (whether it's karaoke or a fun run), or have him stand between you and another man you think is getting too close at a bar.
4. The Desire for Comfort
"Falling in love is a process of developing attachment, which happens when oxytocin floods the brain," says Alan Hirsch, M.D., neurological director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. You can unleash those love hormones by making him feel like you two just "fit." When he's so comfortable with you that he stops thinking about your relationship and simply enjoys it, he'll find himself nudged into love territory. Take these tips.
Let him see you primp. Grooming in front of him enhances intimacy because it's something other guys don't get to witness. Just keep it goddesslike (applying lipstick or powder), not gross (bleaching your moustache).
Cook together. Being around food spikes oxytocin levels in males. The more often you prep dinner à deux, the more he'll associate you with the good feelings he gets from eating it.
Stock your pad. When buying groceries you don't have a preference on, get a brand he uses. He'll subconsciously feel at home at your place. Sleep with him. Catnap near him or let yourself doze off in his arms so he sees you in your most trusting, completely relaxed state.
What Yanks Him Back from the Brink
Some factors can derail a guy who's about to fall.
1. They Get a New Opportunity
A promotion often means spending more hours at work or taking a schedule-chewing class. Instead of balancing that with their love lives, guys tend to prioritize their careers and believe that a solid relationship will endure the delay. So if something big is brewing, he may hold himself back.
2. You Never Fight
Sure, guys hate arguing, but it's worse if you don't react negatively at all when he's screwed up. A guy will worry that (a) you're going to lash out later, (b) you're a doormat, or (c) you're not into him enough to care. Any of these will make him rethink your budding relationship.
3. Pure Panic
Many men worry that if they commit, they'll have to give something up — friends, dart night, something. So when a guy realizes he's fallen for you, he may freak out and pull away for a while. If you can weather his big-baby behavior without reacting in a way that confirms those fears, he should snap out of it.
From Mauritius with love,
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Okay some of these are strictly my opinion and you know what they say about opinions.
1. The Desire to Protect -Sure we want to feel we are protecting you. Many men still consider women the weaker sex. Someone to be protected. Now don’t get all up in arms about equality. I’m not speaking of that. Even if it isn’t true, the man wants to feel needed to protect you. If he wanted something else then the chances are he would be with another man.
2. Give him a job.- I guess that means the honey do list is a good thing…provided it’s not overly long. We have a serious lack of concentration in addition to the lack of desire that is needed to read thru a long list. Lol
3. Ask his opinion-Regardless of what you think, we do like to feel that our opinions count. Even if many women don’t think our opinions are worth anything.
4. Wear soft materials - Sorry but barbwire and burlap just don’t do it for me.
5. Oh yes. Wearing our clothes works. Shirt, t-shirt, our boxers, etc. Especially when it’s accompanied by little else. Why do you think you see it depicted so often in the stories we write.
6. The Desire for Freedom - A delicate balance. Too much= domineering. Not enough= not caring
7. Blow him off - Alternative suggestions maybe. Maybe even ones that expand on what he had planned. If you’re just dating it’s one thing to tell him busy but to tell him you have plans to go somewhere else when you’re living together or married…?
8. Share your own fears-Men think most chicks are baby-hungry ring-hunters - Wow…they’re not? Lol Just kidding….and ducking.
9. Reinvent yourself - Always, always, always. Men and women. Spice things up.
10. Respect his privacy- Everyone needs his or her own privacy at times.
11. The Desire to Shine - He wants to think you’re proud of him just the same as you want to feel he’s proud of you.
12. Make him happier - To me being able to laugh together is very important. Sometimes I'll do stupid things…on purpose…we’re not talking about the unintentional ones, just to get a laugh.
13. Be a social butterfly - I need all the help I can get here. Those of you that know me are aware that charming and graceful I’m not. Lol
14. Play mind games - Now this one threw me for a loop at first because I hate mind games. I see now what is meant though. Show that you’re more than just a beautiful trophy.
15. Act like the grand prize- You are his grand prize. If you feel you’re not worth winning then he won’t, and why should he play for you.
Okay I’ve probably said enough here to insure that I get in big time trouble. Hope you get a little laugh and have a fantaboulous day all.
ok didn't mean to put anonymous on comment. It's just me the GE Stills
Lizard Man!!!! So glad you could make it!
Lol, definitely NOT going to throw the shoe (or the toaster, as a friend had said a while back!) because this is exactly the kind of feedback that's helpful - because it comes from a man!
I totally agree with you on every point. There's a good dose of self-respect and self-worth that makes a woman attractive. I always mention the woman who looks good in a potato sack - why, because she is confident and easy on herself, so that she shines across without need of fancy accessories. I'd believe a man would be attracted to her as opposed to the one dripping in designer gear but who looks like she wanna be anywhere but here!
Yes too - equality and protection are two very different things. My husband considers me the weaker sex but I don't go all up in arms because of it. Why - because he also thinks I'm his equal (chores shared!! Yay!) but when it's winter and I'm huddled in my corner with the cold, he'll wrap me up in his arms just to make sure I'm warm. That's protection.
Your opinion is very welcome and respected! Keep 'em coming! And charming you definitely are, GE! :)
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