I was all abuzz to start this week on a roll - I mean, kiddo's back in school and all. Except that I didn't count on one tiny little possibility - that he'd leave his cold bug at home, with me.
So here I am today, with a runny nose, having gone through a stack of cotton handkerchiefs and a 200-tissues box, with a raging headache. And I wasn't able to take any medication as I had to drive today.
This got me thinking about the topic of today's post - the hazards of motherhood. Motherhood is supposed to be the most blissful fulfilment of your life, your self-actualisation as a woman and as a wife, the epitome of being a woman, even.
I'm like, what a load of BS! I love my kid to bits, but motherhood is not the saintly fulfilment the world makes it out to be. Maybe to a 50s era, Mad Men-inspired chick, but me - post Year 2000 modern gal striving for a career - I am no Mad Men contender!
So let's list them - the hazards.
1. You will always get sick once everyone has been looked after. It's as if your body goes on standbye while you're running around taking care of everyone, and once that's done, you collapse and the door opens wide for all the bugs and viruses to stream in and jump all over your system like hypercative Duracell bunnies.
2. You always have to play nurse when someone is sick. No matter that you have a life too - it's your "job" to be the nurse, whether to a sick kid or a super-whiny, I'm-on-death's-doorstep-when-I-have-a-cold man.
3. You don't have a life. You're like a secret agent. You have a front in place - that which you do everyday, like your job - but the minute the Agency of Motherhood calls, you have to drop everything and hop onto the assignment.
4. Your are simply NOT allowed failure!
5. Forget about a career, or R&R, or plain existing for yourself. You are now known as "mother of..." and consequently, you ceased to exist.
6. You check the notion of sleep in at the gates of the Hallowed Gardens of Motherhood. From the minute you see that little strip telling you you're pregnant, forget about sleeping a full night with a trouble-free mind, sister! It starts slowly, with heartburn, then it moves to kicks worthy of a Beckham free kick inside your belly, to not being able to find a position to sleep because you are now as immovable as a beached whale at low tide.
When you do get your body back, you proceed to sleepless nights with a crying - often colicky - baby, then a hyperactive toddler whose body simply does not understand circadian rhythms, and then a little kid who does not know what sleep means, because every minute spent awake is a minute where he can play.
You do find some relief to that problem when they become teenagers, and fall prey to the sleep of the vampires - since teens sleep the day away and function at night - but unfortunately for you, life goes on during the day - and you have no way out - and when they're up at night, you are too, because your mind is going in overdrive imagining all the ways they could be getting into trouble.
And according to my mum, even when your kids are out of the house, you still don't sleep well because you worry about them...
7. You become fat. All those leftovers - guess who picks up the plates and goes, "I'm not gonna let that go to waste" and so eats said leftovers? Mum, of course! And then you're surprised when your hips balloon into you looking like you swallowed a waine barrel... Yeah, right! And who on earth has time, and energy, and even an inclination, towards exercising when all's said and done???
8. You are in awe of Switzerland - how on earth can that country remain neutral, and how can you ever channel such neutrality? Half the time, you find yourself in the crossfire between your kids, or between your kid and his father. Channel neutral as Switzerland then, but be ready to be burnt - your kid might resent you once he's grown up, going, "Mum never took my side!", or your husband/the father of your child might decide to turn into a child too and sulk away because you didn't take his side (and at times like that, you wonder if you're even a wife/gf/baby mama or just a mother to all things with a Y-chromosome in their genetic makeup...)
9. Did I mention you have no life? No time for you? No possibility of claiming that you need a break before you have a full blown mental breakdown? No sick leave, and "help" means the man gets takeout, one night, so you don't have to cook. Except that one night is simply not enough as a break!
10. Oh yes, I forgot - you will earn a slew of other titles, among them, "chief cook", "chauffeur", "that nagging woman", and also "omniscient being who keeps everything running smoothly but we have no clue - and we don't give a damn - how she does it".
Ah, the joys of motherhood... Someone beam me to the real heaven now, pleeeeeeeaaaaase!
From Mauritius with love,